HGT

If you were wondering what HGT means well simple.

Honest god talk. 

Now since i was little i have believed in god and trust me i have been tested a lot. But as i am older i just wonder. If there really is a god, Why would he let half of the shit that happens in this bull shit world happen. 

P.s Ma if you are reading this i am sorry for the swear words but this is my place to vent. Not to be mean this is like my online journal. 

Any who if there really is a god, please someone answer me. 

Why would he let a scared little girl get raped by someone who is suppose to be a father figure to her? Why would he allow her baby brother be right next this rape to witness it, Knowing he would not be able to save her? 

Why would he let her date these abusive guys who literally could put her in the hospital if she didn't do and listen to every little thing that they tell her? 

Why would he let her stay in such a bad environment and be around things that no kid should she be around. 

Now i know that this little girl grew up with some loving family members, but the things she was stolen from she will never get back. 

She lost her innocence. The sad part is the lion king was her favorite movie, but now everytime she watchs it she just gets nightmares popping in her head of the man who was suppose to be her step father, the father of her brother on top of her and raping her. 

No child should ever have to go threw that. 

now everyone says that god would never give you things that you can not handle. 

But you know what i don't think that any GOD? should allow anyone to "Handle" Being raped. Its not right and its just wrong on so many levels. Im just curious about this. 

This child in question just is having such a hard time in believing in a man that should have saved her, but instead made her go through this thing that eats her up everyday now. 

She hates her self, She hates the way she looks, She let guys use her (in the past), No one should ever have to go through that 

and any god that would allow this, well i am sorry but i don't want to believe in something like that. and the hold virgin Mary gave birth to him, yeah i would like to know how that happened as well because last time i checked god nor jesus which makes no sense because they are the same person, but any who they were not alive when she got pregnant so please someone tell me how did she became pregnant. 

My theory 

Mary was a slut and she had sex with someone and back then it wasn't okay like it is now so she told everyone that she is a virgin and she just magically became pregnant. 

That is my rant, 

Bet you think differently of me, 

But all my points are valid 

well except my theory, but that is my opinion. 

My demons.

I haven't written in a long time. 

I didn't think I needed it. I think its time to actually share this, Just maybe. 

But I know some people won't like it. So if you are reading this know that I don't put real names, atleast I try not to but when I am typing and in deep thought i don't realize what i say. This is my place to vent and get things off of my chest. 

Why not just talk to someone, well the simple fact is that no one will ever know the kind of things that run through my head, the things that i have been with, and lastly the demons that i deal with on a day to day basis. 

But as i was starting this it seems that it has taken a total different road. So back to why i really wanted to blog today. 

I thought today was going to be really good, and it did. But like all things it must come to an end. 

My husband is playing call of duty: Black ops 2 and I am editing pictures that earlier I thought "OMG you are so beautiful, this should def go on Facebook, " But as i edit each and every one of those pictures my flaws haunt me. Most say i have no flaws and in your eyes i guess you could be right. But no one know just how much i actually hate my self. 

Sometimes i wonder why am i even around, and i look at my son. 

He needs his mom. I need to be strong for him, but that doesn't mean that i can secretly hate my self. there are so many things that i honestly hate about my self. 

the list includes:

1:The way i look in general

2: my tummy 

3: My eyes

4:My teeth

5:My smile

6: My odd shape hands 

7: My odd shape feet 

8: my nose 

i have so many demons and no one will ever understand them. 

When you are constantly told that you are ugly and you are fat, 

or there was a time where you were fat and you got bullied for it, Well that sticks and everyone just wants me to forget years and years and years or it. It doesn't work that way. Trust me I wish it would. 

Maybe if i actually had friends who liked me for me and not because i have a hot husband, or a handsome son maybe that would help me feel better. Maybe if i would have grown up like a normal person. If i didn't witness half of the things i did growing up, or maybe if i didn't get raped just maybe i would be this happy go lucky girl who has no worries. But sadly that is not the cards i was delt and no matter how much i wish i will never have that life. 

So the main thing i guess i can say is 

I suffer from depression, it is a disease! it doesn't just come and go. It is NOT the same as being sad. If i had a penny for overtime someone said "Oh you have depression, Well just smile and get happy" or something around those lines i swear i would be a millionaire.