My demons.

I haven't written in a long time. 

I didn't think I needed it. I think its time to actually share this, Just maybe. 

But I know some people won't like it. So if you are reading this know that I don't put real names, atleast I try not to but when I am typing and in deep thought i don't realize what i say. This is my place to vent and get things off of my chest. 

Why not just talk to someone, well the simple fact is that no one will ever know the kind of things that run through my head, the things that i have been with, and lastly the demons that i deal with on a day to day basis. 

But as i was starting this it seems that it has taken a total different road. So back to why i really wanted to blog today. 

I thought today was going to be really good, and it did. But like all things it must come to an end. 

My husband is playing call of duty: Black ops 2 and I am editing pictures that earlier I thought "OMG you are so beautiful, this should def go on Facebook, " But as i edit each and every one of those pictures my flaws haunt me. Most say i have no flaws and in your eyes i guess you could be right. But no one know just how much i actually hate my self. 

Sometimes i wonder why am i even around, and i look at my son. 

He needs his mom. I need to be strong for him, but that doesn't mean that i can secretly hate my self. there are so many things that i honestly hate about my self. 

the list includes:

1:The way i look in general

2: my tummy 

3: My eyes

4:My teeth

5:My smile

6: My odd shape hands 

7: My odd shape feet 

8: my nose 

i have so many demons and no one will ever understand them. 

When you are constantly told that you are ugly and you are fat, 

or there was a time where you were fat and you got bullied for it, Well that sticks and everyone just wants me to forget years and years and years or it. It doesn't work that way. Trust me I wish it would. 

Maybe if i actually had friends who liked me for me and not because i have a hot husband, or a handsome son maybe that would help me feel better. Maybe if i would have grown up like a normal person. If i didn't witness half of the things i did growing up, or maybe if i didn't get raped just maybe i would be this happy go lucky girl who has no worries. But sadly that is not the cards i was delt and no matter how much i wish i will never have that life. 

So the main thing i guess i can say is 

I suffer from depression, it is a disease! it doesn't just come and go. It is NOT the same as being sad. If i had a penny for overtime someone said "Oh you have depression, Well just smile and get happy" or something around those lines i swear i would be a millionaire.