Scentsy

Merry Christmas!!!

Sorry this is a little late, 

But Merry Christmas. I hope you all had a very 

good christmas. Today my blog is going to be about 

this amazing thing I got called a scentsy.

This is a picture of my burner and the wax that came with it. 

My friend got it for me since she knows how much i love 

candles and having a son who will soon like to touch 

many different things. 

She got me the simple white one, which i actually love. It has a 

black frame like thing in the front and you can put different

magnet covers on it, which is the buck. I love it! Instead of an open 

flame its heated with a light bulb. Now with the light bulb it 

wont get as hot as it would when heated with a flame. I like it because 

that way when my son gets old enough to touch things he can touch it 

but he wont burn him self. I love it! i strongly recommend it if you have 

a little kid, or if you love candles. The wax is a lot cheaper than 

buying all those candles. you can put wax in it and it melts and its 

cooled off so you can touch it! 

These are the two kinds of wax that i got. 

Blueberry cheesecake and salted caramel cupcake.

The first one is 

salted caramel cupcake!

It smells so good!! i love it. 

defiantly smells like you have been cooking 

baked good all day when you aren't. It

smells so good(:

The second one!

blueberry cheesecake!

Now i love cheese cake itself, 

But this is just amazing! I love blueberries

and this fills your house with the smell of blueberries. 

So if you love the smell or the food this would be the perfect wax

scent for you. 

Now the scentsy is around 42 dollars which could be alot in 

some peoples life, But it is so worth it! I promise you. Its cheaper

than buying so many candles because each one of the waxes is 

only $6.00 and they come in a block of like 6-8 little blocks and 

it lasts you a while depending on how many wax blocks you burn. 

I highly recommend this!!! It also has so many different 

kind of burners and magnets for the front. Some even in plug ins. 

I also got but couldn't get a good picture of it 

(My son had it and wouldn't let me see it)

is a scentsy baby. Now if you have never heard of these 

things it is a stuffed animal from scentsy that you 

get a smell pack which you put into the little scentsy baby 

then you ruff it up a little and the smell comes out. 

I have the smell of newborn baby which i love!!

everyone says they love the baby smell well what happens 

when it goes away? it sucks but with this thing 

i can hold on to it and smell it and if it ever runs out 

i can get more scentsy packs and just replace it. Its amazing 

for little kids because they love holding on to it like a sense of 

security. The best part its not hazardous for the babies at all. 

4 months!!

4 Months!!!

I cant believe that my little boy is 4 months old already! I feel like just yesterday that I was going to the hospital to have him. In just four months i have realized what real love is! I have never been so proud to be a mommy. I would be lying if i said that when i seen those two little pink lines pop up that i wasn't scared. I have had a crappy childhood.. I didn't want my son to have a bad childhood, But looking back i wouldn't have wanted it any other way. My son has showed me the true meaning of love. I also wish time would just slow down a little bit. I feel like in a blink of an eye i will be throwing his first birthday. They do not lie when they say that once you have a child time flies. 

My real life love story(;

I was texting my friend darian, She told me that she had a guy she wanted me to talk to. I told her that i wasnt going to be hooked up with anyone, I wasnt ready to be. She some how talked me into at least meeting him and becoming friends with him. 
I remember when he came over with darians boyfriend so we could go to the movies. I have been texting him for a while, but some reason i was really nervous to be around him. When the boys finally got to my moms house, I walked out to look at him and then walked back to the bathroom where I told darian that he was indeed one of the cutest guys i have ever seen. Which only made me even more nervous, I had extreme butterflies. 
When we got to the movie theater, It was the most awkward because it was my first time seeing jesse and yet darian and patrick were making out the hole time. I have came to the conclusion that i found jesse attractive, I gave that boy ever kind of hit that i wanted to hold his hand except actually telling him i wanted him to hold my hand, and he ignored every single one. I didnt know if i should take that as he didnt like me or that he was just a gentleman. 

A couple days later jesse had told me that his dad wanted to meet me, So darian, patrick and I all went over to his house. It was awkward, I hate meeting parents i am always the worst. Alot of them dont really like me much. But his dad was the coolest guy i have ever met, He was funny and he had this kind of sweetness in his eyes (I NEVER SAID THAT) lol. After a couple of hours Jesses sister and step mom came home. I realized his sister was one of the popular girls that had graduated the year before me, and i couldnt stand her. I felt really awkward but atleast i had darian with me. Jesses dad started wrestling with his sister which i thought was pretty funny to be honest. When we went to go leave jesse walked me to my side of darians boyfriends truck and we stood their staring at each other, He had the kind of eyes that you could get lost in, I felt safe with him. He whispered to me and i really couldnt hear him, I asked him what he had said and i realized he asked me permission to kiss me. Yea i laughed at him because i mean who asks to kiss someone, but in a way i believe that is the moment that i fell in love with him. By him asking to kiss me showed me that he wasnt like all the other guys, He respected me. 

I remember i was laying on my couch, texting both jesse and darian. I got a text from jesse saying that he wanted to tell me something, I asked him what is was and he replied with "Im scared to tell you", I told him that he could tell me anything and that i wouldnt judge him and as soon as i pressed send, I texted darian telling her that i think he was going to tell me he loved me. Sure enough when jesse texted me back he indeed told me he loved me, I had instant butterflies and for some reason i got super nervous which made no sense because i was all by myself. With that i told him that i loved him as well. 

Jesse's step mom and sister wanted to actually hang out with me and get to know me, So all of us including jesse went mini golfing. Mini golfing was honestly the most fun i think i have ever had, When it was niki's turn to go she hit the golf ball so hard that it went flying all the way to the next parking lot, and thank god that place was closed and there were cars because if there would have been then she would have defiantly busted some ones window. After we got done with the golf course we went out to eat to arbys, That by the way was the most i have ever laughed besides the golf ball incident. Jesse's step mom got a sandwich that she thought was not fully cooked so she took it up to the person and told them, well it turns out that the way it looked was how it was suppose to look. The guy behind the counter looked at her like she was crazy, Me and Niki laughed out butts off. When we finally got back to my house to dropp me off, jesse walked me up to the door and for us to just say good night it took like 20 minutes. Think his step mom may have gotten frustrated, but hey we didnt want to say good bye. 

A couple weeks later Jesse's dad, step mom, sister, jesse, and my self were going to see a movie. The movie wasnt going to get out until late so they told me to see if i could just stay the night so that way i wasnt keeping my mom and her boyfriend up late. I called them and i explained to them everything and my mom told me no, I said okay well the movie will get over at about two in the morning and i will be home after that, After that so much yelling went on saying that i was calling my mom a bitch and told her to fuck off, Both in which i did not say. My mom asked to talk to jesse's step mom so i put her on the phone and my mom just made things so much worse accusing jesses step mom of being his sister. She cant help it that she sounds really young on the phone, just to be able to get everything peaceful until the movie was over jesses dad had to talk to my mom and that was it. We went and enjoyed the move, But little did i know hell was just about to start. 

I got home a little after two in the morning, Like i had told my mom. My mom and her boyfriend we still up but i just went straight to my room. My mom came into my room and was talking to me, We were talking perfectly fine. The conversation was going really good, That is until her boyfriend came in the room and got in my face accusing me of telling my mom to fuck off and saying that i called her a fucking bitch. Please note i did not tell nor call my mom either of things, We were having a normal casual conversation, But anyway he got in my face and pushed me on my bed and started acting like he was going to hit me. I got in his face and i told him that i wish he would hit me, Because as soon as he did that I would put his ass back in prision. He got pissed of course and Left, My mom told me to just go to sleep and everything would be better in the morning. I doubted that but i told her i would try to get some sleep, as she went to go and talk to her boyfriend.

The next morning i hear my mom and her boy friend talking and then the front door being slammed. Next thing i know my mom is in my room and tells me that he wont come back as long as i am at the house. I told her fine i will leave what ever, I was so use to my mom taking her boyfriends side. I texted jesse and told him what was going on and lucky his dad and step mom were so awesome because they let me stay there. If it wasnt for them i would have been homeless. While I was staying at jesses dads house i had to sleep on the couch because they didnt want any sex going on. We couldnt even be under the same blanket so while watching movies together we had to have two different blankets, Which was okay. I was alot happier in a stressful environment.

Eventually i got to move to the empty bedroom up stairs. Jesses step mom trusted him to stay out of my room, but between us he would wake up early and come cuddle with me before he left for work. I talked to my mom a little but not much and i was still super pissed at her for again choosing a boyfriend over me again, but i suppose i was use to it. 

It was valentines day and jesse had given me a promise ring a while ago, We had some time to kill before going to see our movie so we decided that we were going to walk around target to kill some time and maybe even get me a new promise ring. We found a ring that i liked very much and when we got back to the car he walked me to my side and as i sat down in the truck he got down on one knee and i couldnt help it but i burst into laughter. He asked me why i was laughing and i couldnt answer him becuase the laughing just wouldnt stop. He looked at me with these puppy dog eyes and just whispered "What if this wasnt a promise ring" and of course i started laughing even harder and he looked at me saying he was serious. Jesse asked me if i would marry him right then and there in the middle of the target parking lot. Of course i said yes because i mean i was in love with him. We had to keep the engagement on the down low because he figured his family would try to talk him out of asking me to marry him. 

Eventually we ended up telling them we were engaged and they told us that the date that we told them was considered our engagement day because valentines day didnt count because we didnt tell them and it was a secret. We were together for a year and some odd months before we got married. We ended up getting married on April 5th, 2013, We went straight to the court house planning on having a big wedding the following summer so that way we could be married but also save money to be able to have the wedding that we wanted. Jesse had started this new job as a pipeliner, which was where he had to test pipelines to make sure there is no holes in the pipes.  Jesse was staying in ohio for about 6 months and i finally got to go and stay with him down in cambridge ohio. I was happy that i got to stay living with him even tho it was in the hotel, I still got to see him every day and be with him. The job got over in the middle of winter 2013, When we went home he was home for a couple of weeks and then had to go to Oklahoma. For some reason i got super emotional about it, and started a big fight about it. Which was werid, yeah i would get upset about it when he left but this time was different. I hated that he had to leave but he had to go. 

I remember waking up running, I couldnt run fast enough to the bathroom. I puked out my brains. I thought it was werid because i dont ever get sick. I never ever ever get sick. I thought maybe i had the flu, I mean it was possible. When i told jesse that I wasnt feeling good he felt bad he wasnt here to take care of me. I told him that i had a feeling that i would need to get a pregnancy test. He asked me if i was sure, I told him that i havent had a period and i felt sick all day every day and i couldnt keep anything down. Jesse gave me permission to go ahead and get the pregnacy tests but i had to hide it from everyone including his dad and step mom. 

Waiting for the results of the pregnancy test, I was shaking. Yea we have been trying and when it wasnt working we quit but there was still some part of me scared because if i was pregnant i was all alone to tell jesses step mom and that was scary all by it self. She had told us that if we ever became pregnant we would get kicked out because she wanted us to be able to be in our own house before we decided to have a baby. All of a sudden i glanced down and seen two little pink lines clear as can be. So what does a rational person do in the situation. Of course take three more tests, and again two little pink lines showed up again. I grabbed the test hands trembling as i walked into the laundry room and just stood there looking at jesses step mom, She asked me what i was doing and i couldnt get any words out. Finally i just shoved the test to her as she looked down, I was scared of what she was going to say, what she was going to do. To my surprise she was happy and had a big smile on her face. I was so relieved to see that she wasnt upset or mad. I tried to get a holed of jesse to be able to tell him the great news but he had worked really late the following night so he was sleeping. I ended up telling all of our parents before him. His dad automatically told us that it was going to be a boy and that it was going to be born on either his birthday or grandpa hunters birthday. I dont know what happened but it was like his dad was a different person. Making sure i had my seat belt on, helping me walk so i didnt slip on ice, and making sure that i ate healthy and drank plenty of water. 

Before we had the baby the one thing that we wanted to make sure we had, was our own house. In June that dream became a reality because the next thing i knew we were moving into out house. I couldnt have been any happier. Finally our own house, Our own place to raise our child. We found out that the baby was indeed a boy. I was excited. Part of me wanted a baby girl. but what mom doesnt. We decided that his name was going to be jesse jr, or jr for short. Let me tell you know being pregnant in the summer, well that sucks. I wanted it to be over by that time, So i was doing everything i could. The main thing was walking. August 27th I had to take my sister in law to driving training so i had my neighbors son and my brother in law go with me to the park and i walked around the park about 4 times before my feet and everything started hurting. I figured if it wasnt happening yet that today just wasnt the day jr was going to come. 

Around six jesse and me got subway for dinner. I wasnt really hungry i guess because i only ate my pickles off of my cold cut combo. I started getting some pains and i just shook it off thinking it was braxton hicks. Around 10 they started getting a little more frequent. Jesse was trying to keep track of the contractions but because they were still off the wall times, our neighbor lisa tried to help us. Finally she told us that she thinks we should just go into the hospital that the worst they could do was send us home. We left to go to the hospital around 12 and on the way there which was only about ten minutes away if that i had three contractions in a row. When we got to the hospital they checked me and i was only dilated to a 2 and to be considered in labor you have to be at a 3. We thought they were going to send us home because of that but they didnt because they said that jrs heart beat was really slow and they wanted to watch that to see if it got better, While i was waiting they brought me two big things of ice water and told me to drink it. By the time i got the first one down my contractions came faster and harder and i was defiantly in labor. It didnt help that while we were waiting for them to find me a room i was in pain and every time a contraction came, jesse would tell me that he could tell one was coming because of the computer. 

Finally when they got me into a room, my contractions were so bad i started to cry, But i did very good. I didnt get any medicine for a while and when i did get to the point that i wanted some thing for the pain before they even got the full amount they were giving me in my IV i could feel it. I swear i felt like i was floating, I loved it. Jesse mom told him that if we didnt have any one in the room with us she would be honored to be in the room with us and looking back i am so glad she was. I swear she and my cousin johnni who was also in the room helped me more than anyone. I love jesse to death dont get me wrong but he had one job and that was to make sure that the wash cloth on my fore head was cold. Now to him it felt cold but to me who was about to push out a baby it was no where near cold. 

Finally the time to push came and i wanted it over already. I hated it! it didnt help that they turned off my epidural, So i felt everything. News flash if you ever have a baby unless you want to have an all natural, and only breast feed go to allegence in Jackson Michigan other wise i would go somewhere else. I felt kind of guilty because when they put jr on my chest i was so tired and in pain that i just laid down and kinda didnt look at him. But i was so happy he was here and he was healthy. 

By the time it was time for his circumcision, They asked me if i wanted to leave and check out when he was done, before they could even finish their sentence i was answering yes. I have had it with all them nurses. My son wouldnt latch for starters and they wanted me to do nothing but breast feed, plus since he has been out of my belly jr only woke up once at night and that was not bad for a infant that was just born. Now me and jesse we didnt think we should wake him up if he was sleeping good to feed him, they say babies will tell you when they are hungry and jr indeed let us know every time he was, but the nurses said that wasnt right and we should wake him up weather or not he was hungry, plus they told me since he wouldnt latch that i should self express in to a spoon and shove it in my sons mouth. Now i understand i am a new mom and it might just be because of that but i do not nor will i ever feel comfortable shoving a spoon in my new born babies mouth. I was just so over that hospital and could not wait to leave. 

Now here i am 3 months after and i couldn't be happier. My son is a very advanced baby. He is already teething has been since literally he was a couple weeks old, can hold his neck up, can roll onto his side which he could do since he was born as well, and he can sit up if he has something supporting him. I had to start him on solid food stage 1 of course because he was so hungry all the time that he was up to 6-8 ounces of formula. Now i know they say to wait til 6 months to do that but honestly babies let you know when they are ready and jr is defiantly ready. He will be 4 months old on December 28th and i honestly cry. I was looking at pictures of him from when he was just 2 days old and started crying. I don't know why but once you have a child everything goes by faster. I feel like tomorrow i will be planing him 1st birthday and i am not ready for that one bit. Even though it is going by so fast i would not trade my life for anything, This literally has been the happiest time of my life. I have an amazing husband and an even more amazing son. 

Beginning part 2

As I started my freshman year, I decided that i was going to turn over a new leaf, Allen and I were on broken up once again and I told my self this was going to be the last time, I was never going to take him back. I hung out with my cousin johnni alot, She helped me alot not text allen or anything. Of course he would still contact me, Anytime he seen i was talking to someone on myspace it would piss him off because he thought i still belonged with him even though we werent together. Some times i would let it get to me until johnni talked some sense in to me. He was my first love, I was stupid. It was about midnight and johnni and I were hungry so we decided we were going to walk to taco bell and get some food. As we were sitting at one of the circular tables, Along came in what i thought at the time was the cutest boy in my life. He had a pink and black striped sweater on, Skinny jeans, and semi long black hair (His bangs were long and the back was short), He had a friend with him who had long brown wavy hair. They both were making so much noise it was hard not to notice them, Of course they asked for water which they then filled with pop. They walked near us and sat at the table across from us, We ignored them but they had no intention of ignoring us. 

Not even five minutes later, Here comes the boy in the stripped hoodie. He proceeds to flirt with me, which hey i didnt mind he was cute and i was single. He gave me his number and told me to text him, I did. I asked him what name i should put his number under and the first thing that pops out of his mouth is.. Jesus. I thought wow cute and funny mhmm, Maybe but maybe not. He eventually told me his name was Daniel but he preferred to be called Danny and his friend was Joey. Johnni and I finished our food and we decided (Probably shouldnt do this) that we were going to invite them back to my house for a bomb fire. They did. Joey and Johnni sat around the fire talking about, well i dont really remeber because Danny and I had our noses in our phones texting each other. Some reason thats how we were talking until Johnni told us if we didnt start talking she was going to through our phones in the bomb fire. 

After about a week we started dating and It was honestly amazing. I didnt think of allen once but I did tell Danny everything about that relationship because he wanted to know why i was so quiet all the time. Danny honestly treated me like a princess. There was this one incident tho where Danny had gotten kicked out of his house because he was dating me, (his sister kelsey didnt like me, she was one of the popular kids in school that made my life hell) So danny moved in with his friend DJ and his dad. Dj was a cool guy, got along with everyone. Well any way Dj was in a band and he had band practice so it was only me and danny at the house, My mom had came over to drop me off some things because i was staying the weekend with danny. As soon as she left i started making me a chicken pot pie and went into dannys room to plug my phone in the charger and here comes danny pretending to be crazy murder. Now he knew how i felt about knifes because of my relationship with allen, But he still came into the room and as i went to go move my hand to push him out of the way the knife met my hand. There was so much blood every where, Danny helped me to the bathroom to wash the blood off thinking that it was just a small scratch, but the blood just kept coming no matter what happened. I turned my hand over and i could see the inside of my thumb. I called to danny and he started crying calling my mom, He told her that i needed to go to the hospital and She said she would head over after she was done grocery shopping. I told my mother that if she waited til then i would not be alive with all the blood i was losing. Finally she said that she was on her way, We grabbed paper toll and started making my self a little cast like thing around my thumb just as our friend Gerard was walking into djs house. He asked where we were going since we were dressed and had our shoes on. He seen me sitting on the couch and noticed my thumb he asked what happened and as danny was filling him in i started falling asleep. Gerard noticed it and told me that i was not allowed to fall asleep because with all the blood i was losing i may not wake up, But i felt so tired it was hard to stay awake. With that gerard had to go back to his house so he told danny to make sure that i did not fall asleep. I felt for danny because he was crying so much, he felt so bad but hey maybe if he wasnt messing around it would have never happened. 

Our relationship was a little rocky before that incident so i thought sweet i may have had to get stitches but maybe it will help our relationship, But that was not the case. After that danny and i was still dating but we became really verbally abusive towards me. It got really bad when on Halloween, We were walking around i forgot what he went as but i went as a hooker. I was having fun everyone knows that i wasnt an actual hooker. Danny and I walked up to this one house where there was this lovely old couple, The man asked me what i was suppose to be and i told him. Danny looked like he was mad but i wasnt going to say anything in case he wasnt and then by me saying something he ended up mad. We were walking in silence when he started talking about how i shouldnt have told them what i was, I replied why not danny its halloween and it just a costume. After that he like snapped telling me i was just acting like his ex girlfriend and that if he wanted to date a whore he would have never left her and so on, I got so pissed he was talking to me like that so i told him that when we got back to djs i was going to walk home, even tho is was like 12/1230. I then started walking faster to get to djs so i could pack my stuff and leave, I was pissed he know i wasnt going to take that after what i dealt with when i dated allen. When i got back to djs house everyone else was back to his house as well and they could tell something was wrong, I told them me and daniel were fighting because i told someone what i was for halloween and they told me to not leave because of danny stay and have fun I could sleep in the living room along with alex and gerard. I agreed and we sat in the back room going through our candy and talking about mine and dannys fight. There was a window in the back room that went to another room in the house so danny could here everything i said, And to be honest i didnt care. A little after I cooled down a bit being the softy that i am i went into the computer room to talk to danny, but he wasnt there dj said he went to the elementary school to sit on the roof. I felt bad because i knew that he only went there when he was super upset, but i was still kind of mad how he talked to me because his ex girl friend was crazy legit nutcase. (or at least thats what i thought at the time, shes actually an amazingly sweet girl). I just shook it off as what ever, Alex and gerard went to walk to the school to talk to danny to try and get him to come back. Daniel said that he would come back in a little he just wanted his space.

It was about 2 in the morning by the time that daniel decided he was going to come back to djs and he came over to me and pulled well not really pulled but kinda tugged asking me to follow him with no words. I was still kinda irritated that he was acting like a little kid but i followed him. We went into his friend djs room because everyone else was in his room still. He just stood there staring at me, I asked him what he wanted and he said he was sorry. I told him sorry wasnt going to work this time, Im not someone you can talk down to when ever you want and then expect everything to be okay. I went to walk out of the room and he pulled me back, ran and stood in front of the door not letting me out. Danny said he loved me and he didnt want me to leave the room until we fixed things, I told him there was nothing left to fix i was really done this time. His eyes started watering and he just slid down in the corner of the door. He told me that he was sorry he didnt mean it, He just dont want people thinking that i was a whore because i dressed like one for halloween, Said he loved me so much and he didnt want people to talk bad about me if he could control it. I felt like my heart sank, at the moment it was like i was seeing the danny that i feel in love with all over again. I went and sat next to him and i told him i was sorry and that we could still be friends but i couldnt take the verbal abuse any more. Realizing i wasnt going to change my mind he let me out of the room and went to his room. 

At this time it was about 3 in the morning and everyone was gone except me, dj, gerard, alex, and of course danny. Me, Alex, and gerard finally got comfortable on the couch when out comes danny. Danny went to the bathroom and then scooped me up and took me to his bedroom. I asked him what he was doing? Im not having sex with you i told him, all he whispered was i dont care, I just want to hold you. I said what ever and decided to lay in his bed with him. It was quiet for a couple minutes then i heard sniffling, I couldnt help it the boy had my heart so i rolled over and pulled him close to me and i held him. I told him that i loved him and he would get another chance but i was done if he did it again. Thinking back i know it was a stupid thing but the boy was my everything, I think it was just something in his eyes. For a while everything was going great with danny, Like the last fight that we got into really woke him up, we both had our shares of laughs and cries but we made it work... 

At least thats what i thought, but you know the saying theres always something going on behind closed doors. Once again me and daniel were fighting because it turned out he went to go live with his dad again which i didnt care ya know i was glad he needed to be with his family but found out everyone was laughing and whispering about me because he was not only dating me but he was dating a girl named jenna who lived in Delaware, And if that wasnt enough because he couldnt have any one at his dads house danny would go to his friend djs house and while he was on the phone with me, talking to jenna on aim, he was getting blow jobs from his ex girl friend. We ended up calling it quits for good, I did not want to be the idiot dating the cheater. The sad thing was just because we werent dating didnt mean i wasnt his booty call. 

I was stupid i know, but danny had his nails in me emotionally. He knew just what buttons to press. He knew i was still in love with him and would do anything for him. All he would do is tell me how beautiful i was, or that he still loves me and just like that i went back to him. But i finally did after 2 years get a back bone, Of course it was when i went and lived with my uncle mike and aunt dawn. After I dated daniel, I started seeing this guy named eric. Of course he looked like daniel a little bit, but i couldnt help it i was into the scene guys. There is something about a guy in skinny jeans that just makes them so attractive to me. I met eric while i was dating danny, he wasnt the skinniest but he wasnt fat. We started talking because he was dating dannys friend jessica and she would break his heart every other week. We decided that we were going to start dating and i was slowly getting happy again. He came to get me one day so i could spend a week with him and i was so excited. I became a very bad kid when i started hanging out with eric tho. We smoked weed constantly and i would be lying if i said that i didnt like it. I honestly dont get what it was that he seen in me, Maybe it was that i trusted him to be alone in the garage with his friends when i went to bed, Or maybe it was because i was just like one of the guys. I am not going to lie i had my doubts but i didnt want to control him by telling him to come to bed with me when i was tired. 

I spent fourth of july with eric and as soon as we got there he turned into an ass. I walked around the park in westland for a little bit then i decided i was going to stand by this tree since the fireworks were going to start soon, and thats when i seen our friend ackman. He asked what i was doing and i told him. So we went to smoke a joint before the fireworks started, It was exactly what i needed to deal with everything because eric literally ditched me. We got done just in time because by the time we found a spot to sit to watch the fire works they were starting. I was happy sitting there next to ackman watching the fireworks when eric came and sat down with us. Eric kept interrupting me watching the fireworks because he wanted me to come and sit in front of him so he could hold me. I was mad but i only had a couple more days so i didnt want to ruin the time i had left with him. I now lived 2 hours away so i was going to make every minute i had with him good. 

It was my 16th birthday and i was having fun hanging out with my family until daniel and his friend dj showed up. That was the most awkward ever, but i suppose we were still friends. We ended up having a big huge cake fight it was fun everyone had so much cake on them. Daniel and I were in the bathroom cleaning the cake off of us, I had him help me get it off my back and when he did that i went to leave the bathroom and he shut the door before i could leave. I looked at him kinda irritated but deep down if the walls had minds they knew that i couldnt be mad at him. Daniel still had me wrapped around his finger, I dont know what it was with him. Why couldnt i move on? Why was i so in love with him? Two things that i would never know that answer for. He pushed me up against the door and started kissing me. I was dating eric still and i felt bad, because i still loved eric, he treated me amazing, he was good to me. Eric knew how danny treated me, He seen it with his own eyes. Later that night i was laying on my bed down in my aunt and uncles basement thinking weather not i should tell eric. On one hand at least i was being honest, on the other hand he could leave me and if he did that i wouldnt have him or daniel. My ties to westland would be gone forever. I couldnt come to a decision so i decided to do what i knew was right. I told eric, and i dont have to tell you how that ended. 

I moved to marine city my sophomore year of high school and i was excited. I now lived closer to my best friend in the whole world, Zack. Plus i was close to my dads best friend ray, and his son kenny, they were family to me since i knew them for so long, But then again so was zack. Me, Kenny, and Zack all grew up together, we were all so close so we hung out everyday. Eventually i told kenny and my moms boyfriend at the times son trevor that i kinda was starting to have feelings for zack. I didnt know what to do because he was my best friend and he always have been like family to me. They told me that they would see if he felt the same if i wanted and i was scared i told them if they did that and he didnt have the same feelings that it would ruin our friendship and everything. Unfortunately i told them that they could tell him and turns out that he liked me to. I was excited because i spent so much time with him and he was my best friend. I dated my best friend. Everything was great! He honestly was an amazing friend and boyfriend. Honestly if you ask me i dont know what happened. I moved to stockbridge and me and zack said we were going to do what ever we could to make it work. We loved each other, we wanted to get married. He was my best friend, But of course the distance got to us and i couldnt handle it. I remember i called zack and i talked like everything was normal and then i told him i think it would be best if we broke up. My heart broke that day. I didnt want to break up with him but i couldnt stand the distance. If only he could have came and lived with us or me with him, But it was like something snapped in him. When i broke up with him he just became so mean and hurtful. I thought we could have stayed friends i mean we promised each other no matter what happened that we would always be friends. I honestly think that day i broke up with him something changed in me to. Weather or not it was for good or for bad, now thats the question i still dont know that answer to. 

The beginning part 1:

This is something new for me, I never was good about talking about my problems or anything, So I decided I would start blogging. But like any good story, I have to start at the beginning. 

From a young age I honestly was set up to fail. Luckily i had a good head on my shoulder and I knew how I want my life to turn out. I didnt have a bad childhood, but I didn't have a good one either. With what ever sense that made

Here it is. 

Since I was little the things I can actually remember is.. 

My mom obviously did not stay with my dad when she had me because i went to his house on the weekends, She was married to my first step father named bill. I thought he was sweet. A typical step father is a nurturing, caring, loving person, Bill however was none of those. You would have thought my mom would have seen the signs that he was not any way, shape, or form a good person by the fact that she married him while he was in prison. However she did not and she gave birth to my brother tyler January 31. He was a very cute baby, what happened no one knows, but that story is later on. Anyway after my brother was born we ended up moving in a very small house with my aunt Tammy and uncle larry. It was amazing living with them always a fun time, until one night my brother and me were laying in the back room of the house watching the lion king when my step father walked in. I thought he was just coming in to check on us, but boy was i wrong. 

I never would have seen this coming from someone who was suppose to love and care for the child weather or not you are blood. While we were watching the lion king my step father came in and he molested me. I didn't know why he was doing it to me, or even what he was doing to me. I was just a child, why would someone want to do that to a child let alone someone who you are suppose to protect. Was it because i wasnt his actual daughter? After he left the room i just laid there, not knowing what just happened nor why it happened. The next morning i did not tell anyone what happened because i figured why would anyone believe me? I am just a child and he was an adult, He had everyone fooled that he was this amazing father figure. Eventually i told someone and they told my mother and the worst thing that could ever happened. She didnt believe me or them. She said that i didnt know what i was talking about, i must have dreamed it. Luckily my father did believe me and he took me to the doctors, but because i waited to tell someone any evidence that they could have used to put him in jail or press any kind of charges was all gone. 

Eventually my mom started to believe me, or she just got scared that she was going to loose her kids. The cps told her that if she wanted to keep us she had to stay away from bill. According to my knowledge she tried to stay away from bill. From that moment on my mom started dating a lot of different guys, But the next one that made a huge impact would be her boyfriend scott. They dated maybe 2 times and we ended up moving in with him and his son, who was there every other weekend. Scott was a super cool guy, He played the guitar and had a pool table in the living room. How could little kids not think that was cool? Hello perfect to make forts. If that wasnt enough he even had a waterbed in his sons room which is where we had to sleep. Apparently nothing was wrong with two boys and a girl sleeping in the same bed. That relationship went fine, of course i was a little kid so what did i know? I remember that one weekend i had to go to my dads, which im not complaining i loved going to my dads he was awesome, i mean he let me live with my mom again and at that age i didnt realize what she had me around was wrong in any way, The following sunday when i went back to my mom and scotts house they went in their bed room and tyler wanted to watch a movie. He grabbed one and put it into the vcr not asking anyone what the movie even was, On the tv then popped up people drinking, smoking and dancing which of course is nothing wrong but for little kids to see it, you are asking for a bunch of questions no parent wants to answer for a long time. I went a grabbed my crayons and paper and started drawing as my brother was just getting into the home movie when my mom walks out into the living room. She thinks we are just watching one of our disney movies until she walks back in the living room from the kitchen when she realizes that there is a guy sucking on the tits of a blow up doll. She ripped that out of the vcr so fast which any good parent would do. After that tho they ended up having parties weather or not we were there, And nothing stopped them from drinking or doing drugs. My mother and scott ended up giving birth to an amazingly beautiful little girl december 1st, 2000 and named her alexis. She had red hair and blue eyes, She was perfect. Sadly i only got to spend a couple months with her, because shortly after that cps came back in our lives. I got sent to live with my dad for good this time, But since both my brother and sister had different fathers who also we very bad they got sent to live with different parents. Tyler with a couple named nancy and greg, and alexis with a lovely person named tonia. I got to see alexis grow up till she was about 1 years old, but when she started being able to talk we had to stop seeing her because she did not know i was her sister. Alexis knew me as a friend of the family. 

A couple of years and boyfriends later my mom met a man name Doug. She was with him for a short time before we moved in with him. It was a one room apartment and i had to sleep with my mom while he slept on the couch. I liked him, I was hoping they would actually work out. I was at school just minding my own business when all of a sudden i was being called to the office with my stuff. I was a very good/quiet person so why was i being called to the office? I was trying to decided what i did wrong when i walked into the office, I seen my mom and doug. They were taking me out of school and we were going to ohio for them to get married. I was excited! I got to get out of school early and my mom was marrying a good man for once. No more stupid boyfriends.

After they got married we got a house in westland. Three bedroom house, had a back yard. It was nice, No more sharing a bed with my mom i got my own everything! it was like a dream... little did i know there was a hole different kind of hell waiting around the corner. Shortly after they got married doug started a biker gang, I dont know weather or not i could get in trouble for saying their name or what they did so i will just keep their name out of it. The club said they were all about family so thats why doug picked that one, but in reality that the way they pulled people in. They started doing drugs, they drank alot, and they were gone all the time. I basically raised my self. Now i was bullied alot in elementary school, I was called fat and ugly and told that i should have never been born. It was safe to say i didnt make many friends so when we moved to westland i thought it could have been a new start for me. I went to Stevenson middle school for seventh grade where i suppose i did good in school not great, but i passed all my classes. 

The school dance was coming up and i have made a couple friends who wanted to go. I honestly have not had that much fun in ever! I ended up meeting this guy named allen. He thought i was pretty and flirted with me all night. I was in middle school so who wouldnt just be very happy. Anyway allen told one of the people that i was with that he wanted to say goodbye to me before the dance was over, So when i went to get my homework out of my locker that i forgot earlier that day i turned around to the what felt like the hole school staring at me. I turned to my friend and whispered what is everyone staring at? She looked at me dumbfounded and said "Allen didnt come see you" sure enough after she said that here came allen. He looked at me with the cutest brown eyes ever. He gave me butterflies not only in my tummy but my hole body. He said he wanted to say good bye to me and make sure he got my number that he could get to know me, When all of a sudden someone yelled kiss her. I wasnt a big people person because i never had good luck meeting friends, So of course i was nervous. I turned to shut my locker and when i turned back towards all of the people standing around us allen pushed me up against the wall and kissed me. I honestly could have been mistaken for a stop sign because i was so red. A week later allen asked me to be his girl friend, Of course i said yes because he was honestly one of the cutest guys at stevenson middle school. Little did i know I should have said no. 

Things went great for a while he was the sweetest guy. He walked me to my classes, carried my books, wrote me cute little notes and gave them to people to put in my locker. I was blinded by love. After 4 months of dating i notice he changed a little. I had a lot of guy friends because i got along with guys more than i did girls, I was walking to my locker after lunch as allen was going to lunch. Of course he seen me i wasnt hiding he said he wanted to walk me to my locker before he went to lunch so i told my friend that i would see him in class. As we were walking to my locker allen asked my why i was walking with him, I told him he was just my friend but allen proceeded to tell me that it was considered cheating and i wasnt allowed to do it any more, Allen told me if he seen me doing it again that he was going to break up with me, I didnt want that to happen so of course i only talked to my guy friends in class and stopped walking with them. That was only the beginning of a off and on again 6 year relationship. 

(If your still reading im sorry its so long but thank you)

 At this time Allen and I were dating for a year, It was his birthday. His mom picked me up from my house and we went shopping for party supplies. She was planning a surprise birthday for him. The theme of course was invader zim, We both loved it so i was happy to go shopping with her, at this time me and allen have already broken up and gotten back together so many times and we just recently got in a fight so of course i wanted to make this birthday amazing for him. His mom (I wont say her name) got some liqueur and mixed it with the punch so we could have fun at the party. It was almost time for allen to get home so his sisters alex and bella ran to his room to hide one of his big presents. He walked in and he was surprised that i was even there, He asked me if he could talk to me in his room. In his room, he told me that he was sorry about our recently fight, he loved me he just doesnt want to lose me. I told him that i loved him and i was at his birthday because i wanted to forget the fight. After we went back out to the party, Allens mom came in the house and told us that the limo she had rented was here and it was time to go. I was so happy i have not been in a limo before. We all jumped in the limo and we went to some ice cream place. Now remind you that there was alcohol in the punch so we were all feeling pretty tipsy. In the limo we were all having fun dancing to the music, I was talking to my friend amber when i noticed that she was looking zoned out. I turned to look at what she was looking at and when i turned i seen allen making out with his moms boyfriends little sister. I was shocked. That was the most disrespectful and nasty thing i have ever seen, But i didnt realize that at the time. I was in love, Stupid, and drunk. So what did i do? I got up and went over by our friend dylan who i knew had a huge crush on me and sat on his lap. We both started kissing and allen noticed. When we got to the place to get ice cream, I was expecting a huge fight with allen. Instead allen completely ignored me, I was pissed. I was trying to get him to notice. Did he not care? I texted him that i wanted to talk to him, but he just ignored the text. When we got back into the limo i sat next to my friend amber and just cried to her. I was upset i was so inlove with allen and didnt realize how he could hurt me the way that he did. Amber helped me realize that if he wanted to throw everything away that it was his loss, Luckily she was staying the night with me that night because i would have texted him all night wanting to talk to him, and fix everything. Little did i know the next morning i did not have my phone. I lost it! I did not want to tell my dad he would have killed me, he trusted me with a phone why would i do something so irresponsible and lose my phone? because i was drinking was not an excuse i could give my father.

Ambers phone goes off and she thinks its her parents coming to get her, But instead its a picture from allen, Of my phone. Smashed. In pieces. Now a normal person would have been done with him, yes? Well i am not a normal person. I took him back, And the relationship just got worse. 

My life at that time did not get better at all. If anything it got alot worse. For starters in school there were rumors going around that i moved to westland because i just got out of an insane aslyum, and i just got outta juvi for killing someone, Plus the "popular" crowd was telling everyone that i was ugly and fat and of course everyone believed it and every where i went i heard people whispering about it. There were even a couple people who threatened to kill me because apparently i looked at them wrong or because i was in there way when i was at my locker. Looking back now i was stupid to think that the people that called me fat were stupid because i was one 110 pounds but i was the stupid one believing i was fat, And to top it all off my mom was going through a divorce, yeah douh decided that he wanted to be a truck driver where he met a hooker and he told my mom he was leaving her for the lot lizzard. He also told me he was going to buy me some thongs and last time i checked step dads dont talk about that to their kids. I started self harming, and to top it all of mine and allens relationship went from being to just fighting verbally to physically fighting. He had cut me with things, left marks on me, and talked down to me all the time. 

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