This is something new for me, I never was good about talking about my problems or anything, So I decided I would start blogging. But like any good story, I have to start at the beginning.
From a young age I honestly was set up to fail. Luckily i had a good head on my shoulder and I knew how I want my life to turn out. I didnt have a bad childhood, but I didn't have a good one either. With what ever sense that made
Here it is.
Since I was little the things I can actually remember is..
My mom obviously did not stay with my dad when she had me because i went to his house on the weekends, She was married to my first step father named bill. I thought he was sweet. A typical step father is a nurturing, caring, loving person, Bill however was none of those. You would have thought my mom would have seen the signs that he was not any way, shape, or form a good person by the fact that she married him while he was in prison. However she did not and she gave birth to my brother tyler January 31. He was a very cute baby, what happened no one knows, but that story is later on. Anyway after my brother was born we ended up moving in a very small house with my aunt Tammy and uncle larry. It was amazing living with them always a fun time, until one night my brother and me were laying in the back room of the house watching the lion king when my step father walked in. I thought he was just coming in to check on us, but boy was i wrong.
I never would have seen this coming from someone who was suppose to love and care for the child weather or not you are blood. While we were watching the lion king my step father came in and he molested me. I didn't know why he was doing it to me, or even what he was doing to me. I was just a child, why would someone want to do that to a child let alone someone who you are suppose to protect. Was it because i wasnt his actual daughter? After he left the room i just laid there, not knowing what just happened nor why it happened. The next morning i did not tell anyone what happened because i figured why would anyone believe me? I am just a child and he was an adult, He had everyone fooled that he was this amazing father figure. Eventually i told someone and they told my mother and the worst thing that could ever happened. She didnt believe me or them. She said that i didnt know what i was talking about, i must have dreamed it. Luckily my father did believe me and he took me to the doctors, but because i waited to tell someone any evidence that they could have used to put him in jail or press any kind of charges was all gone.
Eventually my mom started to believe me, or she just got scared that she was going to loose her kids. The cps told her that if she wanted to keep us she had to stay away from bill. According to my knowledge she tried to stay away from bill. From that moment on my mom started dating a lot of different guys, But the next one that made a huge impact would be her boyfriend scott. They dated maybe 2 times and we ended up moving in with him and his son, who was there every other weekend. Scott was a super cool guy, He played the guitar and had a pool table in the living room. How could little kids not think that was cool? Hello perfect to make forts. If that wasnt enough he even had a waterbed in his sons room which is where we had to sleep. Apparently nothing was wrong with two boys and a girl sleeping in the same bed. That relationship went fine, of course i was a little kid so what did i know? I remember that one weekend i had to go to my dads, which im not complaining i loved going to my dads he was awesome, i mean he let me live with my mom again and at that age i didnt realize what she had me around was wrong in any way, The following sunday when i went back to my mom and scotts house they went in their bed room and tyler wanted to watch a movie. He grabbed one and put it into the vcr not asking anyone what the movie even was, On the tv then popped up people drinking, smoking and dancing which of course is nothing wrong but for little kids to see it, you are asking for a bunch of questions no parent wants to answer for a long time. I went a grabbed my crayons and paper and started drawing as my brother was just getting into the home movie when my mom walks out into the living room. She thinks we are just watching one of our disney movies until she walks back in the living room from the kitchen when she realizes that there is a guy sucking on the tits of a blow up doll. She ripped that out of the vcr so fast which any good parent would do. After that tho they ended up having parties weather or not we were there, And nothing stopped them from drinking or doing drugs. My mother and scott ended up giving birth to an amazingly beautiful little girl december 1st, 2000 and named her alexis. She had red hair and blue eyes, She was perfect. Sadly i only got to spend a couple months with her, because shortly after that cps came back in our lives. I got sent to live with my dad for good this time, But since both my brother and sister had different fathers who also we very bad they got sent to live with different parents. Tyler with a couple named nancy and greg, and alexis with a lovely person named tonia. I got to see alexis grow up till she was about 1 years old, but when she started being able to talk we had to stop seeing her because she did not know i was her sister. Alexis knew me as a friend of the family.
A couple of years and boyfriends later my mom met a man name Doug. She was with him for a short time before we moved in with him. It was a one room apartment and i had to sleep with my mom while he slept on the couch. I liked him, I was hoping they would actually work out. I was at school just minding my own business when all of a sudden i was being called to the office with my stuff. I was a very good/quiet person so why was i being called to the office? I was trying to decided what i did wrong when i walked into the office, I seen my mom and doug. They were taking me out of school and we were going to ohio for them to get married. I was excited! I got to get out of school early and my mom was marrying a good man for once. No more stupid boyfriends.
After they got married we got a house in westland. Three bedroom house, had a back yard. It was nice, No more sharing a bed with my mom i got my own everything! it was like a dream... little did i know there was a hole different kind of hell waiting around the corner. Shortly after they got married doug started a biker gang, I dont know weather or not i could get in trouble for saying their name or what they did so i will just keep their name out of it. The club said they were all about family so thats why doug picked that one, but in reality that the way they pulled people in. They started doing drugs, they drank alot, and they were gone all the time. I basically raised my self. Now i was bullied alot in elementary school, I was called fat and ugly and told that i should have never been born. It was safe to say i didnt make many friends so when we moved to westland i thought it could have been a new start for me. I went to Stevenson middle school for seventh grade where i suppose i did good in school not great, but i passed all my classes.
The school dance was coming up and i have made a couple friends who wanted to go. I honestly have not had that much fun in ever! I ended up meeting this guy named allen. He thought i was pretty and flirted with me all night. I was in middle school so who wouldnt just be very happy. Anyway allen told one of the people that i was with that he wanted to say goodbye to me before the dance was over, So when i went to get my homework out of my locker that i forgot earlier that day i turned around to the what felt like the hole school staring at me. I turned to my friend and whispered what is everyone staring at? She looked at me dumbfounded and said "Allen didnt come see you" sure enough after she said that here came allen. He looked at me with the cutest brown eyes ever. He gave me butterflies not only in my tummy but my hole body. He said he wanted to say good bye to me and make sure he got my number that he could get to know me, When all of a sudden someone yelled kiss her. I wasnt a big people person because i never had good luck meeting friends, So of course i was nervous. I turned to shut my locker and when i turned back towards all of the people standing around us allen pushed me up against the wall and kissed me. I honestly could have been mistaken for a stop sign because i was so red. A week later allen asked me to be his girl friend, Of course i said yes because he was honestly one of the cutest guys at stevenson middle school. Little did i know I should have said no.
Things went great for a while he was the sweetest guy. He walked me to my classes, carried my books, wrote me cute little notes and gave them to people to put in my locker. I was blinded by love. After 4 months of dating i notice he changed a little. I had a lot of guy friends because i got along with guys more than i did girls, I was walking to my locker after lunch as allen was going to lunch. Of course he seen me i wasnt hiding he said he wanted to walk me to my locker before he went to lunch so i told my friend that i would see him in class. As we were walking to my locker allen asked my why i was walking with him, I told him he was just my friend but allen proceeded to tell me that it was considered cheating and i wasnt allowed to do it any more, Allen told me if he seen me doing it again that he was going to break up with me, I didnt want that to happen so of course i only talked to my guy friends in class and stopped walking with them. That was only the beginning of a off and on again 6 year relationship.
(If your still reading im sorry its so long but thank you)
At this time Allen and I were dating for a year, It was his birthday. His mom picked me up from my house and we went shopping for party supplies. She was planning a surprise birthday for him. The theme of course was invader zim, We both loved it so i was happy to go shopping with her, at this time me and allen have already broken up and gotten back together so many times and we just recently got in a fight so of course i wanted to make this birthday amazing for him. His mom (I wont say her name) got some liqueur and mixed it with the punch so we could have fun at the party. It was almost time for allen to get home so his sisters alex and bella ran to his room to hide one of his big presents. He walked in and he was surprised that i was even there, He asked me if he could talk to me in his room. In his room, he told me that he was sorry about our recently fight, he loved me he just doesnt want to lose me. I told him that i loved him and i was at his birthday because i wanted to forget the fight. After we went back out to the party, Allens mom came in the house and told us that the limo she had rented was here and it was time to go. I was so happy i have not been in a limo before. We all jumped in the limo and we went to some ice cream place. Now remind you that there was alcohol in the punch so we were all feeling pretty tipsy. In the limo we were all having fun dancing to the music, I was talking to my friend amber when i noticed that she was looking zoned out. I turned to look at what she was looking at and when i turned i seen allen making out with his moms boyfriends little sister. I was shocked. That was the most disrespectful and nasty thing i have ever seen, But i didnt realize that at the time. I was in love, Stupid, and drunk. So what did i do? I got up and went over by our friend dylan who i knew had a huge crush on me and sat on his lap. We both started kissing and allen noticed. When we got to the place to get ice cream, I was expecting a huge fight with allen. Instead allen completely ignored me, I was pissed. I was trying to get him to notice. Did he not care? I texted him that i wanted to talk to him, but he just ignored the text. When we got back into the limo i sat next to my friend amber and just cried to her. I was upset i was so inlove with allen and didnt realize how he could hurt me the way that he did. Amber helped me realize that if he wanted to throw everything away that it was his loss, Luckily she was staying the night with me that night because i would have texted him all night wanting to talk to him, and fix everything. Little did i know the next morning i did not have my phone. I lost it! I did not want to tell my dad he would have killed me, he trusted me with a phone why would i do something so irresponsible and lose my phone? because i was drinking was not an excuse i could give my father.
Ambers phone goes off and she thinks its her parents coming to get her, But instead its a picture from allen, Of my phone. Smashed. In pieces. Now a normal person would have been done with him, yes? Well i am not a normal person. I took him back, And the relationship just got worse.
My life at that time did not get better at all. If anything it got alot worse. For starters in school there were rumors going around that i moved to westland because i just got out of an insane aslyum, and i just got outta juvi for killing someone, Plus the "popular" crowd was telling everyone that i was ugly and fat and of course everyone believed it and every where i went i heard people whispering about it. There were even a couple people who threatened to kill me because apparently i looked at them wrong or because i was in there way when i was at my locker. Looking back now i was stupid to think that the people that called me fat were stupid because i was one 110 pounds but i was the stupid one believing i was fat, And to top it all off my mom was going through a divorce, yeah douh decided that he wanted to be a truck driver where he met a hooker and he told my mom he was leaving her for the lot lizzard. He also told me he was going to buy me some thongs and last time i checked step dads dont talk about that to their kids. I started self harming, and to top it all of mine and allens relationship went from being to just fighting verbally to physically fighting. He had cut me with things, left marks on me, and talked down to me all the time.
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